In the two-plus years my family has been going to Holy Family Parish, I have never gotten the opportunity to sit next to Steve. Today was the first. And I loved it. Not that I ever pay that much attention in church, but today, it was even more difficult. All I kept thinking was "When do I get to hold his hand?!"

And when it happened, yeah, nothing much happened. It was a prayer afterall. No tingling, no fireworks, nada. But it's church. Come on.

He was being silly throughout, though. He held my hand really high and made me stand on my tippy-toes, and his brother just has a really LOUD clap that had me giggling. Then there were the kids and other various distractions.

But it was nothing compared to how I feel whenever I'm around Fernando. And how sad is it that I never learn my lesson. It's just a little crush that will disappear when he leaves the program. We did have a little fun on Friday though. Just general goofing around, he was making me laugh. But I'll laugh at pretty much anything a cute guy says or does. Sheesh.

Little Things__________

Friday, Jul. 08, 2005 - 6:17 am

In the News: The tragedy that has occurred in London yesterday is just so heartbreaking to watch. It's reminiscent of the events to fueled the rage in America almost 4 years ago, on September 11th. It's no secret that I'm not entirely fond of our president. I didn't vote for him, and still have a hard time believing that so many people did. And all manner of thoughts were running through my head when he was giving his "condolences" to those people in London. I could go on and on, but I've heard horror stories about people expressing their thoughts and then being victims of some sort of retribution. So I'll stop now before my mouth gets away from me. But I will say this: This country, as much as I love it, needs to mind their own business. We need to focus on what's wrong here in our country before we can go out and cure the world of things they don't want to be cured of. Grrr!

In my Mind: What the hell is my mind torturing me like this? I just woke up from a disturbing dream. It involved Jason, a woman I didn't recognize, a motel room, and Jason and I having sex. And the motel room was really long for some reason. But it's all kind of fuzzy now, as I've been awake for about 30 minutes now.

In my Life: I've come to realise that it is much easier to get a job when you don't already have one. I had an interview Wednesday afternoon at an office in Napa. I feel I was qualified, but I was nervous during the interview, as it was like a panel interview with four people asking me questions and looking at me. But aside from that, if I am a little more qualified than another girl who doesn't have a job, they will hire her because she can start tomorrow. I have to give notice. And yesterday, I was walking around thinking: Would this company give me two weeks notice if they were going to fire me? Hell no. So why should I offer them the same courtesy? But alas, it's not my decision. I have yet to be offered a position at any of the places I have interviewed at.

In the End: Nothing really matters.

For a Little Happiness__________

Wednesday, Jul. 06, 2005 - 8:21 pm

Being at work offered me a little bit of happiness. Temporary happiness, but happiness is good, nonetheless.

Monica is back from her surgery and all is well. Today was her second day. And it just feels so good to have her back. Although Cindy and I bonded a little while she was gone, Monica is my other half at work. Now that Lorelei is gone...

Did I mention that? Lorelei was taken off of work by her doctor due to complications with the pregnancy. I don't know whether or not I will ever see her again. I hope she is well, and I wish her the best.

And the other reason(s) for my happiness are the two youngins, and the attention that they give me. They're both a little wacky, but so much fun to talk to and just be around. I'm sure Iris noticed my "want" to be out there helping when the group was in session. I was very eager. Fernando, and I'm sure this is just in his nature, is such a little flirt. With everyone, really. Too cute. I'm going to miss them when they are gone. I was finishing my lunch, and they came out to work on a project, but instead sat there and talked to me the whole time. When I tried to leave, they told me to stick around and sit with them. Awww...

Ok, happiness and a little infatuation. Always a good thing.

Worthless__________

Sunday, Jul. 03, 2005 - 7:17 pm

The mantra that has been repeating itself in my head for about a week was just painful reinstated by none other than the aunt who I love like a second mother. She means well when she tells me these things, I know that. It doesn't, however, make it an easier pill to swallow than if it were someone saying things to be hurtful. In fact, it's much more painful because it's someone I know cares about me.

She basically stated that how did I ever expect to find a boyfriend if I never leave the house? Why don't I ever go out to parties? Why do I not have any friends if I've lived here all my life?

But the killer was asking me why I hadn't gone back to school, even part time. Valid question, of course. But I don't have an answer for it. I cannot afford to work part time, because of the car payment. I should have gotten off my ass yesterday and gone to some credit unions to try and refinance the vehicle, and maybe get a loan to pay off the credit cards. But what my aunt seems to forget, when she started to tell what my cousin Andres is doing, is that my dad isn't rich. He can't afford to help me any more than he already is by allowing me to live in HIS home rent-free, and bill-free. Everything I spend is on stupid, worthless shit. And it has to stop. The credit cards are ripped up now, and long gone. So that's my first step into financial freedom.

So many woulda, coulda, shoulda's. Never ending list of them. And right now, I am emotionally unprepared to do any of this. To think about it, or even do anything about it.

Isolation__________

Saturday, Jul. 02, 2005 - 9:02 pm

I have a feeling that the friendship with Christina is officially over. Not making this assumption based on anything she wrote to me in an email. It's based on the fact that she has never emailed me back since I wrote to her a week or so ago telling her that it was okay we weren't moving and whatnot.

Part of me is hoping that she's just really busy since she's out of school and working more, or that maybe her computer is down again. But that part of me is a lying bitch. The truthful part is saying that she just doesn't want anything more to do with me.

I can understand that. Not much I can do to change that. At the same time, I have texted her a couple times and have never heard back. But that's nothing really new. I don't hear back from any of my "friends" anymore.

I feel kind of alone right now. And it's not a good feeling. Mostly I'm just feeling sorry for myself. But it's a situation I put myself in. So I have no right to bitch.