No matter how much I try and lie to myself, everything that happened with Jason is still, to this day, affecting me. I don't think there is a day, and I mean this literally, that passes by that I don't think about him. Even just a fleeting thought as I am driving passed Benicia on my way home, or on my way to work. I still mentally plot what I will do if I ever see him again. How I will react. What I will wear when I go to the office when I know (or hope) he'll be there for his appointment. I am sad. I am pathetic.

The thing that get's me is that I was doing a damn good job of moving on from that really bad experience. Yeah. Until the day the fucker decided to call, apologize, leaving a message on my cell phone. That was months ago, and I still have that message saved on my phone. It's like I love living in angst-world. What the fuck is wrong with me?

There is, however, a temporary fix to my insanity. There is a boy at work. A patient. Again. Because Juanita never quite learned her lesson. His name is Fernando. He's 26, and he's part of the group that is in the office 3 days a week. There are two younger guys. I think I may have mentioned them before. Anyhow, Fernando is very nice, attractive, and doesn't seem to have any obvious bad habits.

Today was the first time he and I had the opportunity to talk. And it was nice. I don't read anything into the fact that he talks to me, and smiles at me, and makes me shiver when he looks at me, or says my name. He's just a welcome distraction from Jason. Because, yes, eventually I will have to move on, forget this terrible experience, and, well, get the fuck over it.

So I talk to Fernando. About music. About his accident. About whatever. And hey... his arms are highly pleasing. I am so the arm girl when it comes to guys. Yum. Matt, the other youngin, parked his Caprice where it was visible, and I fell in love with that car. Shiny, black, rims. Yeah, nice. And it made me gitty, for no real reason, that Fernando was watching Matt and I talking. But I'm not reading too much into that. Perhaps we were just talking too loud. Matt did promise to bring me pictures of his Impala. Cars are good.

And just for the heck of it...

I had my perfect baseball day. All three of my teams won.

Everything Just Falls Apart__________

Sunday, Jun. 26, 2005 - 8:56 pm

My bad day started early this morning. Got an email from Christina stating that moving wasn't going to be possible. At least not right now. I understand where she was coming from. It made a lot of sense. Surprisingly enough, I wasn't angry at all. Just disappointed to no end. In fact, it still hasn't ended.

All during church, I was in a pissy mood. Basically just being a bitch and feeling sorry for myself. If I am going to stick around town a little longer than anticipated, I really need to look for another job. And I need to save money in case the move does happen within a year or so. I still plan on refinancing the car to make payments lighter, and maybe pay off those damn credit cards a little faster. That's the plan anyhow. Who knows how that will work.

And then came the depression portion of my day. I cried while watching a short little video that my brother shot of my cat, JT, a little while before he left me. I was emotional. I cried. A lot. So I came to a decision. I am getting another kitten. I want him to be as close to JT, physically, as possible. At least as far as color, because size I can't really control. JT was a large cat. I loved him so much. But along with that decision came the plan to keep him in my room at all times. It's the only way to make sure he will be okay at all times. I can't lose another cat. It was too emotionally trying last time. I just can't go through that again.

So I am to remain a Californian for who knows how much longer. This won't affect my friendship with Christina at all. Yes, I was psyched about the possibility, but the opportunity is now gone. Not forever. But for now.

She's having a... __________

Saturday, Jun. 25, 2005 - 11:23 am

GIRL! Sara just called me to let me know that I was right about her baby. She's five months along with a beautiful baby girl! I'm so happy for her. Bubba still wants another little brother, but I'm sure they will all fall in love with this new addition. Sarah will no longer be the queen of her household, I guess.

I have been correct on all of my passed guesses on what children were going to be as far as pregnancies. My only basis is going against whatever the parents want more. That's usually what it becomes. But like my cousin Miguel has said, I have a 50/50 shot of getting it right.

Unless it's a hermaphrodite.

Washington, State Of__________

Wednesday, Jun. 15, 2005 - 9:46 am

This trip wasn't at all what I was expecting, but I am glad I did go. My leg played a huge part in the fact that we weren't able to do as much as we had hoped.

And I felt old. I can sum up the entire trip in one quick little entry.

I just felt old. Jemma and Christina have this amazing youth and a friendship unlike I've ever seen. They've been friends for 15 years of their lives. I felt invisible around them. And although Jemma's family was very hospitable when we were there, I still felt uncomfortable. But that was my problem.

Aside from that, I think I just spent too much time alone. And I couldn't sleep. Christina still had a lot of things to finish up in Bellingham. So, a vacation it was. But only in the sense that I wasn't at home.

And I'll admit, I did miss my family very much.

The apartments were amazing. I think it is doable. It was a sign. As Buffy obsessed as both of us are, we chose our apartment based on three factors: It was called Willows Court. Come on. How big of a sign do we need? All we have to do now is hope that an apartment will be available to lease when we plan on moving.

Ok, I'm tired. Don't want to talk about this anymore.

Signs__________

Monday, Jun. 06, 2005 - 7:22 pm

I'm starting to think that maybe God is trying to tell me something. And in a very painful manner, mind you.

It started Saturday. I reluctantly went to the company picnic, but ended up having a good time, despite the fact that my leg was bothering me. I know what caused it. It's my sciatic nerve. And with really horrible timing.

The picnic itself was fun. The food was good, Marcella was being nice, and I took pictures, mingled, and just had a good time out in the sun. The pictures turned out great, by the way. And despite my discomfort, I got around as best I could given how much pain I was in. Hurrah for Vicodin!

Anyhow, since then, it hasn't gotten any worse. But not exactly better either. And it came just in time to potentially mess with my little vacation. But pain or no pain, I'm going. All I can hope for is that it will get better in the next three days. If I don't feel better by the end of tomorrow, I will make an appointment with my doctor.

But in the meantime, Iris showed me some exercises to try. Right now, my leg feels okay, but that's because I'm sitting. Once I stand up and start moving around, the pain starts up again. And I haven't slept well in the passed couple of nights. Last night, I slept around 3 hours total. I'm exhausted, but afraid to go to sleep because I know the pain will start.

Perhaps God is trying to tell me to stay put. Not a nice way of going about that, God. There are other ways.

The scary thing is that, at night, when I wake up because I'm in pain, I start to cry, and I get that anxious, helpless feeling that I used to get when this injury first occured 6 years ago. It's scary. I don't want to feel like that again. I'm all but useless at work. I can't do very much if I can't walk. And all I seem to get is sympathy from all my co-workers, and some of the patients. I don't need that. I just want to get better. All I can do is pray that I get better.