They're gone. Their flight should be leaving out of Oakland in about 30 minutes. They came in and said goodbye right after I showed up from work. I gave them each a hug, but did not cry. I left that up to my mother. She will miss them dearly, I'm sure. I won't. Not because I didn't like them. I just didn't see them enough. It would have been nice, in theory, to have people close to my age to go out with. But I'd be the person going out. I don't go out, so it was really no different.

But everything is falling back into place. I don't normally believe in fates or anything like that. But I find it an odd coincidence that when my cousins arrived in our lives from Mexico, my mother found it an almost impossibility to find a job. That was for almost 6 months. And almost the moment they announce they are returning to Mexico, my mother finds a job. She's been working now for the passed two weeks.

Yes, she comes home exhausted. Hard labor will do that to you. But at least she's not bored anymore. And Lord knows they could use that extra money.

Another Shove Towards Seattle__________

Tuesday, May. 31, 2005 - 8:15 pm

Yeah, I want to get married, have a couple of kids, a house with a whitepicket fence. Who doesn't?

But part of that fantasy usually involves a strong, healthy husband, with a job, and goals.

Where am I ever going to meet one of those where I work? And I say that because where else would I meet men? If I'm not at work, I'm at home. I keep getting hit on by an older man at work. A patient again, like I didn't learn my lesson the first time. Difference being, the first time I was stupid. Beyond stupid. I won't make that mistake again.

I am respectful when I decline his offers to go places. He even offered me his phone number so I could call him if I were ever bored on a weekend again. I have to be respectful. So I just kind of laughed it off and changed the subject. At least with Jason there was an attraction, partly why I made the mistakes I made, and am apparently okay with them. But this guy just kind of gives me the wiggins. Luckily he only has a couple more appointments left, and then it's overwith. Unless Iris decides he's doing better and should continue with more therapy.

God forbid.

Sometime last week, he even scared me a little. He didn't physically do anything to do me. But there is a patient named Tim who is a funny guy. Older man who is a passed patient who was there to do some testing for Dr. Rome. Around the time Tim was leaving, this patient was coming in. I was joking around with Tim, saying goodbye. And this patient is staring Tim down, then looks over to me and whispers in Spanish, "I'm getting jealous. Don't even tell me you like ugly guys like that."

Ok, creepy much?

I don't know if Seattle will be much better, but a change is good. And much needed.

Money, Money, Money__________

Monday, May. 23, 2005 - 8:31 pm

This entry may make no sense whatsoever. I am just in that type of mood. Will I ever learn my lesson? Being attracted to patients is a no-no. Dating them is a definite no-no. Learn from past experiences, Juanita! Geez.

At work, a new group of EBFR started and there are just these two cuties in the group. One is younger than me, one is slightly older, both are way cute. Like Jason wasn't enough of a problem.

Just another reason to move to Seattle. Spoke with my dad yesterday about it again. He thinks that I should just wait until I'm done paying off the car before I make a move like that. He doesn't want me to sacrifice my current lifestyle just for something different. Okay, good point. But hello! The opportunity is presenting itself NOW! Not three years from now. Who am I going to move to Seattle with in three freakin years?

If I decide after the trip in June that moving isn't a good idea, then I will definitely need to find another job. My current job-- which is three jobs rolled into one gloriously low-paying job-- is turning into exactly the kind of job I can't stand. I don't want a fucking little desk job where I spend a good part of the work day on the phone or finishing paperwork. No way. If I wanted that, I'd work for a company where I can hide in a sun-less, fun-less cubicle. I sure as hell would probably get paid more than I make now.

It always comes down to money, doesn't it. Money makes the world go round... and round... and round. Can't survive without it. Money can't buy you happiness? Sure it can. Having money would buy me a move to Seattle this coming fall... and that would make me happy. Having money would pay for my car so that I can move to Seattle. And that would make me happy. Shall I go on?

Burst My Bubble__________

Saturday, May. 21, 2005 - 9:06 pm

Just had a long and emotionally strenuous conversation with my father over dinner. He basically listed all the reasons why it wouldn't be a good idea to move to Seattle. The part that pisses me off is that he made a lot, and I mean A LOT, of valid points. Damnit! Damnit! Damnit!

I still have to try and make it work, though. I have to. I can't stay here forever. I will go insane! I want a freakin life outside of this damn city! Outside of this damn state! Outside of this damn boring life!

So anyway, I'm working on my tan. I don't really need one, but I want one so I can actually try and wear short sleeves while I'm in Seattle, and later in Los Angeles. But this can all backfire. Either the marks that I'm trying to cover up will just blend with the tan and not be noticable... or they will just get darker with the tan. Only time will tell. If it's the latter... then bring on the long sleeves in the 90-degree Los Angeles weather. Shit.

Looking Up, Looking On__________

Sunday, May. 15, 2005 - 6:30 pm

My mom got a job! Woohoo! This is awesome news. It's just another temp job. May last one day, may last two months. Even longer. But either way, work is good. She needs the distraction.

The tension in our house hasn't dwindled as much as I deluded myself into believing it had. My brother and my mother do communicate, but neither go out of their way to say Hello, or to even shake hands at church. Honestly, if my father hadn't asked me to talk to my brother about it, I probably wouldn't have even noticed.

Kind of sad, really. My mother and I are OKish again. Nothing really bad. We even went shopping together, if you count Mervyn's for shoes a shopping trip. But that's still more than we've done in what seems like months.

Since the cousins are leaving for Mexico on the first of June, I decided to take them to the city myself. Maybe just to take pictures. They need some kind of proof to show their friends in Mexico that they were even here. I can't say I'll miss them, because like I've said millions of times before, their being here or not being here doesn't effect me too much. But still, the distraction of taking a trip to SF will be good for everyone. Let's just hope that mother nature cooperates- gives us fair weather and minimal fog.

So it's supposed to rain again. It's been raining, what seems like, nonstop since the year began. I think it's officially been stated that SF's total for rainfall has far surpassed the 200% mark for the entire year, and it's not even June yet. And I know we've gotten more rain down here than they have in Seattle. But I had better get used to rain. If I don't like it, then Seattle might not be the right place to move to. Goodbye sunshine, hello puddles and umbrella's. I'm a big girl. I think I can handle little airborn water droplets.

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly my paycheck disappears. But I think the move to Seattle is doable. I at least have to try. Assuming I get a higher paying job up in Seattle, and my bills remain about the same, I can do this. I can totally do this. I still have to look into that bill consolidation loan. I've been referred to some type of credit union that might be able to help. And I need to close down the accounts. And stop spending so much damn money. I think I'm going to close down the big $4k credit card, which I will never pay off, as this is the only way that I will get myself to freakin stop using the damn thing. Credit cards are evil! Grrrr!

Ok, I'm done now.