Stealing ideas here, just because I'm bored. Here are the first lines of songs that are playing randomly on my winamp.

1. Don't stray, don't ever go away.
2. Sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner.
3. There are places I remember, all my life, though some have changed.
4. I've got cigarettes and futon on the floor.
5. I hold my breath as this life starts to take it's toll.
6. So much for my happy ending.
7. Please don't come around talking 'bout that you love me.
8. You make me feel so emotional.
9. Now it seems to me that you know just what to say.
10. Hey kids, rock and roll.
11. This is what I sound like after five years.
12. I've been watching you for so very long.
13. Like anyone worthy, I am flattered by your fascination with me.
14. I've started to see you clearly today.
15. Yesterday is not just another day.
16. Everyone's changing, I stay the same.
17. Where my bitches at, where my hoes?
18. Once my lover, now my friend.
19. No sleep, no sex, for you from your ex-girlfriend.
20. I tried to be perfect, but nothing was worth it.

Things You Miss__________

Tuesday, Apr. 05, 2005 - 3:50 pm

Who would have ever thought that my mecca of peace and tranquility would ever be my job?

Oh definitely not the normal thing. Usually the job is the cause of more than half of anything that is on my mind. But not now. My own home has become a warzone. And I fucking hate it.

To be honest, I really don't know how it started, who it involves, or when it got so damn serious that it caused my cousins to want to move into our neighbors home. I'm involved as little as possible, but the brunt of the problems seem to stem from the dislike that my brother and Celene hold for eachother. I hear a little from each side, but since I'm never around when the shit hits the fan, I tend to miss things.

It's kinda safe here, sitting in between both sides of the arguments. I don't have a problem with the cousins. I don't see them enough to have problems with them. And I definitely don't have a problem with my brother.

But my brother made mention of the fact that my mom took their side. He wants to move out. He mentioned that mom treated him like he wasn't even part of our family, so he had nothing to do at the house anymore. So I cried. I don't want him to leave. What I want is to move to freakin Seattle! Damnit, that would just solve all my problems.

Ahhh. Ignorance is bliss.

Fitting__________

Thursday, Mar. 31, 2005 - 2:50 pm

Her mascara draws his picture on her face
And all these pictures that he's framed take up his space
These awkward elevator moments of happiness
Just keep her open to the cycles of viciousness

Letting him back in
To break you once again
You're crawling in your skin
You're forgiving him
You hold it in

-Aimee Allen, "For A Little Happiness"

Fuck Optimism!__________

Thursday, Mar. 31, 2005 - 2:01 pm

I've decided to never ever give anyone the benefit of the doubt. Screw that. I called Jason today like I said I would go ahead and make the plans for Saturday. He sounded like he was in a bad mood and told me to call him later on because he had company over. Well, fuck that. I won't be calling this afternoon, and I sure as fuck won't be calling him Saturday morning to see how things go. How stupid am I?

That's about the straw the broke this fat-ass camels back. I've had enough. No more calling. No more trusting. No more thinking that that moody, trouble-laden peice of shit meant anything that spouted out of his big mouth.

Excuse me while I scream! Argh!!!

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly__________

Monday, Mar. 28, 2005 - 6:44 pm

The Good.

Easter was a lot of fun. Veronica called and invited the family over for dinner. It was like a pot luck, and all we had to bring was drinks. It was just my parents and I. Everyone was there. And I sat around talking to the cousin's wives the entire time, and just had a good time. It was nice to be in that mix again. We sat around the kitchen table and talked about pretty much everything. After Sara left, and it was just Veronica, Angelica, and myself, I even opened up and shared a few sparse details about the man situation I had last month. It felt good to tell someone, although it was just the abbreviated version. The safe version, if you will. We also talked a little about planning a big family thing this year. Since I'm usually the instigater, I was unofficially put in charge of planning. Camping was one of the ideas, but if we save it until the fall or winter, we can go to Tahoe and play in the snow. We'll have to see about that.

The Bad.

Speak of the devil... Jason called. What can I say to that. I heard the phone vibrate like it does when I have a text message, but ignored it because I was at work. When I left before lunch time, I saw that I had 1 missed call. I looked at the number that looked vaguely familiar. I dialed the number and was shocked when it was Jason. He was apologizing. And rambling like he usually does about whatever comes to mind. I was a little on edge the entire time we were talking. More like he was talking and I was listening. The whole thing was kind of a blur, as I was still in shock that he had dared to call. But I couldn't be angry. When we finally hung up, after he said he would call me again after work, I saw that I had a voicemail from him as well. Later on I'll kinda transcribe what it said. But it was disturbing. He did call me while I was on my way home, and we talked some more. He basically reiterated everything he had said in the voicemail, but went into more detail. It still don't know if he was being sincere. And being the dumbshit that I am, I agreed to meet him on Saturday. This time, just to be friends. Just so we can hang out, and get high. But this time, I'm keeping my guard up, and my pants on. I promise.

The Ugly.

Dr. Rome scolded me for talking too much at work. Yeah, ok. Dickhead, much?