My uncle, aunt, cousin Miguel and his family came over last night to watch the boxing match on HBO. My aunt and uncle brought along Vanessa and Susie, so I had a full house. But this time, I didn't mind.

Yes, they got on my nerves a little, but that's bound to happen when you have four youthful, energetic children running around your room. But I was proud of them. They didn't make a mess, which I appreciated, since I spent a good part of the morning cleaning it all up. They were all civil, and incessently continued to ask why I liked vampires so much.

Found out for sure that Sara is pregnant again. The baby is due in November. I hope it's a girl.

To say that it was nice to see the kids again would be an understatement. It gave me a sense of normalcy again, which I really needed after the feelings I was having the day before. Kids are therapeutic. Who would have thought?

Feeling Shitty__________

Friday, Mar. 25, 2005 - 9:50 pm

So many reasons to feel the way I am feeling right now. Mostly just feeling sorry for myself for no apparent reason. If I am the way I am, it's all my fault. No one else's.

I'm having a depression phase right now. It's probably just hormone's, but I feel like shit. I feel worthless, I feel tired. I have no friends. No real friends, anyhow. Not a single one. I consider my co-workers friends, but in all honestly, they are just not. They're co-workers. That's it. I have no man. The one that I had for all of two weeks ended up being a peice of shit who used me to get what he wanted. And me being the stupid fucking dumbshit that I am, gave it up. Really quickly, too.

My cousin, who isn't exactly thin, just got a phone call from a guy at her work, who likes her. My attitude, and the fact that she feels she is pretty, probably makes her a 100% better catch than I could ever make. And where would I meet people anyhow? At work? Yeah, that worked out well last time, didn't it?

I don't go out. Who would I go out with? Back to the no friends thing. I'm hoping that when I go back to school I will meet new people. Females and males alike. Make some real friends. Have plans on weekends. Be social again. That's one thing I miss so much about high school. I had friends. I had a social circle. There were guys. Albeit not my guys, but still. Guys.

Now? Well, yeah, once again back to that worthless feeling. But things will change. I can feel it. This year started out so promising. I'm not quite sure at what point it all went wrong. But it did. It all went terribly wrong. And I don't know if or when it will recover.

On a brighter note, I am planning on visiting a couple of girls I met at the Buffy convention this coming June. They live up in Washington state. I just want to get the fuck out of here. Even if just for a week. I just have to save money. And I'm starting that little adventure this coming paycheck. Take out between $50-$100 a paycheck for spending money while I'm there.

In my wildest dreams, I would move in with Christina when she moves to Seattle. I could still work as a Medical Assistant, go to school 3 nights a week, go bar hopping with Christina and Jemma on the weekends. Drive up the Canada whenever the fuck we want. Call my family once a week, to keep in touch. Not feel alone. Have real friends. Real fun. Real responsibilities that I can actually take care of. But no. That'll never happen. The fucking car payment.

Part of me wants to give up the car. Buy a reliable, more affordable, used car. Save money and actually move up to Seattle. Move anywhere. Move away.

I am starting to understand why my brother chose to endeavor out on his own. Even if it failed in the end, he was brave enough to take that risk. I wish I were that brave.

Maybe someday...

Day of the Dead__________

Friday, Mar. 11, 2005 - 7:57 pm

Three incidents of death in my life in the passed week or so. Sad.

1. I believe it was on Wednesday morning, my brother found Pookie (our eldest cat) dead. She was burried in the back yard. It's painful, mostly because she recently had started to come around again. I have some nice recent pictures of her to remember. Everyone cried. Well, except Dad. Because he's a man. Men don't cry. Right.

2. I found out yesterday that Lou's wife passed away on February 25th. It had been in the obituaries, but I didn't see it. I was saddened, and am planning on sending the family a card. I can't imagine what it's like to lose a significant other, and a mother. They had three children together. God Bless Them.

3. My uncle Enrique in Mexico lost a son. I don't remember him. I don't even know his name. All I remember is seeing him one time, and him being a wheelchair. He's family, and I will pray for him. But like my brother said... At least he's no longer suffering.

Goodish News__________

Tuesday, Mar. 08, 2005 - 7:47 pm

My brother got a job. He's a lube tech at a Toyota dealership in Napa. He just has to take a pee test and he's all set. It's a few steps lower than what he's trained for, but like he said, a job is a job. You have to start somewhere.

My mom almost got a job. She's been out of work for over a month now. Close to two months, I think. One of the agencies wanted to hire her for a 3-4 week job that is a night shift. My mom was worried that my dad would say no, so my brother and I drove up to St. Helena to ask my dad. He said yes, but by the time my mom called the agency back to let them know she would take the job, the job had already been given to someone else. Bummer.

I went to the doctor about what's been going on with the numbness in my foot for the passed 5 days. He did a few simple neurological tests which I passed. And he decided to check for diabetes before he went to the big guns- MRI and whatnot.

Just the mere thought of someone putting me inside of a machine to do the MRI is terrifying me. I'm claustrophobic to an extent where I will not be able to hold still for 45 minutes to get this done.

Lorelei is almost positive that what I have is called "radiculopathy" resulting from my prior back injury. After reading a bit about it, all the symptoms match up. But the back problem initially happened back in 1999. There is still residual pain from time to time, but nothing serious. I go back to the doctor in two weeks. We'll see how everything works out.

Partial Amends__________

Monday, Mar. 07, 2005 - 6:11 am

My father took a course of action yesterday that made me happy with the situation he put himself in. My uncle swallowed his pride to come to our house and try to make amends. And my dad let his pride get in the way of allowing that to happen.

After church, my Father decided that he was going to let it go. And he even took my mom to Napa to go visit him at his home. Now, it didn't go well simply because my aunt and uncle weren't home. But the effort was there. That's the important part. They will see eachother at Oscars wedding in a couple weeks, and hopefully things will go smoothly there. If they can just avoid that damned topic all together, everything will be swell.

I have no intention of going to the party portion of the wedding, but I will go to the church. It lands on the night that they are airing the new James Marsters movie on USA, called "Cool Money" and there's no way I'm missing that. Yeah, I know. VCR's. But I want to watch it live, damnit.