Elida got the job. I got the news last night, but didn't feel like writing. So yay. They're both working. I hope it all goes well... with the fake papers and fake social security numbers, I really don't know how it's going to work. But that's not my problem.

Monica got me thinking. So I made an appointment to go see a gynechologist at Kaister. For one, there is an issue I'd like to ask about, that has something to do with what happened. But aside from that, stupid ass Juanita had sex without protection! Way to go, dumb ass! Grrr! So I'm getting tested for STD's, to resolve that question I had, and see what else they say. Pregnancy is definitely out of the question, since I'm on birth control. So that's not a worry. But everything else! Ugh!

As you can tell, I'm definitely out of the sadness part. It's straight AnGeR now. Still anger at him, of course, but now mostly at myself. I saw him yesterday at Weil's office. It was busy, and I had shit to do. So I didn't even make eye contact with him. I could feel him looking at me, and on my way out, he whistled to try and get my attention, but I just kept walking.

How sick is my mind that I keep thinking of possible ways I can still him, or an excuse to be there every time he comes in for an appointment. Am I that fucking stupid?! Apparently, the answer is YES! Will the stupidity never cease?

Jobs__________

Wednesday, Feb. 09, 2005 - 8:47 am

Good news for my cousin, Celene. She had an interview at Burger King yesterday, and she was hired! I'm so happy for her. She starts next Tuesday, so I made sure to tell her to enjoy her last week of freedom.

Elida has an interview today at Carl's Jr. I hope that works out for her. They will both be working, bring in revenue for themselves, and we'll have money to go out and do stuff. Whether or not they will be working on the weekends is yet to be seen. But I'm just happy things are looking up for them.

Found My Parker__________

Tuesday, Feb. 08, 2005 - 12:35 pm

Now I am a little more calm. In a nutshell, Jason just wants to be friends. He got what he wanted. I was stupid enough to give it to him, and now I suffer the consequences of my actions.

In the words of the great Aimee Allen:

"I showed up with my naivity... and left without my virginity. I'm too fucked up to be in love."

He was saying that I was too good of a person to get involved with someone like him. That I deserved better. That he was moving up north once he got his settlement and knew a long distance thing wasn't going to work. And that he didn't know I was a virgin when it all started that night. That in itself is a load of bull. I told him. And when I confronted him, he said he didn't believe me.

Why the fuck would someone lie about something like that?! Either way, it's over. I just have to leave this situation with the knowledge that I made a grave mistake, and find some kind of a life lesson in this. That would be: Don't trust guys. They're full of shit.

There are four stages: Shock, Sadness, Anger, and Acceptance. At this point, I'm somewhere in between the last two. But I can so easily revert to the second. I've done so already three times today at work.

The thing that amazes me if that I can't make myself hate him. I don't ever want to see him again (although I have to tomorrow at Dr. Weil's), but I don't wish him any harm. May he find happiness with his weed in the woods.

Goodbye, Jason.

Blood and Tears__________

Monday, Feb. 07, 2005 - 11:57 pm

I'm too emotionally drained right now to really sit and write what I feel. But what I feel is lost, hopeless, dull. Jason decided we should just be friends- that I deserve better. That I'm a good girl who shouldn't get involved with guys like him.

And all the while he's telling me all of this, all I can seem to hear is: "I got what I wanted."

I've spent a good deal of the afternoon crying, and right now, I can't do this. Perhaps I'll write more tomorrow.

Confessional Sunday__________

Sunday, Feb. 06, 2005 - 5:29 pm

The events of the passed couple of days had been weighing very heavily on my mind. But today, I had sort of a confessional with the cousins. And it really helped. They asked me questions about how I felt, if I regretted it. They told me stories of what they have gone through (neither has done the deed, though), and they were being very supportive. They are sworn to secrecy so all is well. But it really felt good to tell someone about it, and not keep it all bottled in. It's not like I can tell Monica or Lorelei about it. Lei would be completely, I don't know, in shock, and probably think that it was a mistake. And Monica might just see it as something to joke about. Who knows.

Luckily tomorrow I will return to work and not have as much free time to think about it. I think that's part of what's getting to me.

Celene asked me if I thought I was in someway coheresed into having sex with him. I admitted that I don't believe that, and that I kind of suspected that it was going happen, even before I got stoned off my ass. So subconciously, I really wanted it. So I'm a little more calm in that respect. I just know that, if it happens again, I want to be stoned again. Inhibitions while sober will just keep me from doing it.