I found it rather easy to lie to my mother and my cousins. I woke up still sore, and the first thing I did was throw my clothes in the washer, and myself in the shower. I felt a little better afterwards. The clothes had blood stains on them, so I really didn't want to have to explain that to my parents. And Jason had sent me home that night with his jacket so I would stay home.

I told my cousins and mom that the fishing trip was a big group thing and that they stayed out there for like 4 hours, which explained my absense for as long as I was gone.

I didn't sleep much that night... about 3 hours, so after breakfast when I cleaned my room, I passed out on my bed. I heard my phone ringing, but didn't care to pick it up. Was too tired, and didn't really want to talk. When I woke up I had a voicemail from Jason, making sure that I was ok, and telling me I was special. I didn't call him back, and went back to sleep.

I awoke at around 3pm, and having promised to take my cousins out for more applications, I got dressed. As I was about to head out, my phone rang again. It was Jason. He asked me how I was doing, and invited me to his place. He and some friends were having a bbq. I declined because of the plans with my cousins. Honestly, that wasn't the only reason. I just wasn't ready to see him quite yet. But I didn't tell him that. I told him I'd stop by later to drop off his jacket.

When I did that, I felt a little akward. There were people I didn't know, so I went in quickly, put his jacket down and said hello to him. He kissed me, and asked me again how I was. I told him I was still sore, and he said that was normal. I left soon after with a promise to call him soon. I'll call him on Tuesday to see if I can see him a little on Wednesday since he'll be in Concord with Dr. Weil.

More little memories of that night seem to be coming back. But it's still all very vague. I don't know.

Whole New Person__________

Saturday, Feb. 05, 2005 - 7:07 am

A world of mistakes from one night. I went out with Jason again last night. I was supposed to just drop off his papers that I had for him, but it turned into more. I went right after work, and he invited to come along fishing with him and some friends. It's Friday night, no work tomorrow, so why not.

I went home and let my parents know that I would be going out again, and that I would be returning home relatively late since the fishing escapade started at around 9pm.

Just for the heck of it, I let my cousin Elida do me up- my hair and make-up. She was having fun, and it ended up looking cute.

From the time we went fishing with Tony and his stepson Ricky, to when I agreed to smoke weed with Jason, was pretty much all that happened at the Pier under the bridge. It was cold, and they weren't catching anything, so they decided to call it a night, head back to Jason's, and just hang out. No problem.

The weed smoking through a humidifier is a mistake. Tony and Vee kind of warned me that it was going to be strong. And it was. I was coughing, and Jason was just laughing at me. It kicked in really quick. The whole thing was like a trippy movie, the room was moving, and I remember Jason and Tony having to help me to the couch. They were all talking, and I can't remember what they were saying. It was just weird. Won't do that again any time soon.

Vee went to sleep and Tony went home. And Jason started with the kissing, and the fondling. He kept asking if it was ok, and it felt nice enough, so I kept saying yes. Before I knew what was really going on, we were in his bedroom, and we had sex. Right now, I really don't know how I feel about that. I know it was a mistake, and it hurt. There was blood. One thing about the high during the making out and sex, it hightened every single feeling, every touch. It was just different than what I expected. And although he was being very reassuring with his words, and he was cuddling afterwards, I know he's probably never going to call. But hey, I feel like being cynical, and say: At least that pesky virginity is a thing of the past.

I'm in the middle of a gray area right now, mentally. How could I have gone and slept with a guy who I've only known since November, and have been "seeing" for less than a month? I don't feel like crying, but something doesn't feel right. Maybe I'll be able to pinpoint it later. Right now, I should probably try and get some more sleep.

Not Again__________

Wednesday, Feb. 02, 2005 - 7:10 pm

It's all happening again. I start to get used to the way things are being run at my job. Just getting used to Lou again. But as fate would have it, Lou was let go of by the company today. His last day is February 25th.

At this point in time, the future of the physical therapy department is unsure. There's a little bit of a chance that there will no longer be a PT department. If that's the case, Lei and I are out of a job. EBFR will continue, but I am a PT Aide. I schedule for PT. I set up the PT patients. I assist the PTA and the PT during the day. If this department disappears, so will my job. So it's time to seriously start the hunt again.

I feel it for Lou, mostly. He's going through a hard time with the sickness that his wife is going through. She's in her last months, if even that. And all I can do now is pray for them. And for Lei. She's pregnant, and this money really helps her and her husband. I highly doubt that they would be able to survive off of her hubby's wages alone. I'm hoping that they hire another PT. There are so many patients who are still being authorized to come to this facility, and then there are the patients who are currently coming to us. What will become of them?

I left a voice message with Sheldon, asking him to call me tomorrow so I can speak to him about what is going to happen. I don't know if even Sheldon is positive about what the future holds. I hope he calls me back, so I can put my mind at ease, so to speak.

Everything happens for a reason, right? But for the life of me, I can't seem to figure out what reason there could possibly be for something like this.

Untrustworthy?__________

Tuesday, Feb. 01, 2005 - 12:18 am

Am I untrustworthy? You'd think so by the reaction I got today. I just got home from Jason's house maybe 30 or so minutes ago. Which, I agree, is late considering I have to work tomorrow. But I had my freakin cell phone on the entire time. They could have easily called me to say "what time are you coming home?" or "where are you?" But no.

They called my brother.

I had a little conversation with him when I got home, and he sounded more than a little ticked. But it must be a big brother thing. But you didn't hear me complaining when he drove down to LA (he was still living here, btw) to meet some girl he met on the internet, and comes home two days later with a huge ass hickey on his neck. But I'm out for like 3 hours and all hell breaks loose?? Double standard, much?? Geez.

So, what happened that lead up to this? I broke down and called Jason. I could sit and wait forever for him to call me but hey, sometimes you just have to take the initiative. So we talked a little, and during the conversation, I began to notice that he seemed very depressed. Things are going on in his case that aren't going to help him in the long run. And I became concerned.

I drove to his house, and we talked a little. He showed me his case papers, and I did notice quite a few discrepencies in the reports that have been submitted that put him in a bad light. He's no angel, I know that. I'm not completely stupid. But this is the rest of his life that these people are fucking with. It's just not right.

He asked if I wanted to go shopping with him, so I offered to drive and we went to the Wal-Mart in Fairfield. And he held my hand on the way there, and in the store. And he shopped. He mostly bought food, which is good. I was being a mom, though. Making sure he bought healthy things instead of the junk he kept wanting to pick. While I was there, I bought him a belated Birthday/Christmas present, which made him smile. That smile was worth it. It was nothing big, but at least he was in a better mood than he was on the phone. That's what I was aiming for.

When we got back to his apartment, I helped him carry all the stuff in, and we arrived at the same time as his masseuse. I swear that's the second time she showed up while I was there. But it was cool. She showed me her swolen finger and we talked a little. When she left, Jason again told me that she was totally jealous. He mentioned that she had said something along the lines of her not wanting him to have a girlfriend because she probably wouldn't let him hang out with her anymore. She seems kind of petty. But nice, either way. I'm not a threat, but she seems dead set on making me out to be one. It's all in her mind.

And hey, I had my first make-out session. That was the only "bad" part. But he was very polite, asking if it was okay before he did anything. I thought that was nice. All the while we were kissing, I couldn't seem to get myself to close my eyes. It was just kind of awkward. I could have done without the tongue down my throat a couple times. And I had to fight off the wandering hands a couple times. But all in all, I made it clear that I had to go because I had to work.

I should totally be asleep by now. In fact, I think I better go. Nighters.

Good Grief__________

Wednesday, Jan. 26, 2005 - 6:40 pm

Everything is going to shit! I don't know what to do anymore. Dad's got problems up the ass right now with his brother, now with the Nun, and the problems that are plaguing his mind regarding my cousins living here. I don't know what to do anymore. I can try and be supportive to him - as he had made several valid points on all counts - but it's kind of hard since I have mixed emotions about everything.

The thing that went down with my uncle regarding the damn property in Mexico, I don't know what to think about. Sure, I think my dad has more right to that damn house than any of his brothers and sisters, but I don't see what the big deal is. All I'm thinking, in the back of my mind, is that I won't see the kids anymore. I won't see the cousins. It's like we don't have family anymore. All of this avoidance is a bunch of bullshit, if you ask me.

The Nun. Yeah, that bitch is the rightful "keeper" of the damn property in Mexico, and my dad spoke with her regarding leaving it in the name of my brother. And she, of course, asked why him. So all ties are severed with her now. I could give a fuck about that bitter ass old woman. She has played little if any part in my life, so whether or not my father speaks with her again is irrelevent to me.

As for the cousins, well, I feel as if he comes to me because I am the only neutral party. I don't mind having the girls here. It doesn't affect me one way or the other. I hardly see them, since when I get home from work, they are holed up in their room. I see them during dinner, and that's it. My dad is seeing things from the financial side, which is totally natural. I can see where he's coming from. But what he seems to be forgetting is that, when they are both working, they will be paying him back for everything, and most likely be helping with the bills that are rising due to their presence in the house. There are other concerns, of course, but right now, that is what seems to weigh heaviest on my Dad's mind.

I am just concerned for his health. All of this stress can't be good for his blood pressure. He is, luckily, still taking his medication. That's a big step for a man who hates going to doctors, hates everything about doctors and what they stand for. But the stress. So not good.

We found out today at work that Lou's wife has taken a turn for the worse. She has been battling breast cancer for a while now. Fighting the good fight, but things aren't looking good. I have been aware of this problem since Lou started working for the company. There have been quite a few days in the past that Lou has called in to say he wouldn't be in. A little inconvenient when I have a hard time getting patients in, but today, it was discussed to get a replacement therapist for situations like this. I spent a good portion of the day trying to reschedule all of his evaluations and such. Kind of a pain. But his wife is more important. No doubt about that. God be with them.

And guess who I bumped into while at the High School Ave. office today? None other than my estranged would-be boyfriend Jason. Not "estrange would-be"... more like "could-have-been". He saw me on my way out and stopped me. He motion for me to write my number down for him, and mouthed that he had lost it. I was about to stop and write it down for him, but I noticed that our interaction had attracted the attention of a couple of patients who were sitting nearby. So I mouthed for him to call the office or stop by so I could give it to him.

While I was in the meeting Lyn and Lei regarding the possibility of a replacement therapist, he called and left a message with Monica asking me to call him back. So I did. He apparently was sick with bronchitis, which hasn't cleared up, and he lost my number all together. A likely story, but whatever. I was just glad he called. He wanted me to call him, but since he wasn't feeling well, I told him to call me when he was well enough to talk. Who knows when that will be. Or if that will ever happen. Not getting my hopes up, but I am glad he "got in touch" again.