I've been plagued with some strange dreams of late. For the past two nights, I've been going to sleep early, and getting a full 8 hours. I'm still exhausted, but I've been having that type of sleep where you keep waking up in the middle of the night. And the dreams... my goddess. They've just been so strange.

I don't remember much of the ones from the night before last. Something about Jason calling (Goddess, that will never leave my mind), and another about my Dad suddenly having his two front teeth again. And last night, I had a dream about visiting an ER and my blood coming out purple the first time it was drawn, and red with brown fat bubbles the second time. And for some reason, someone I only know as Leiden had called my cell phone while I was in the ER.

The mind is such a strange thing at times.

I purchased a new wallet while at the Pier on Sunday, and moved all my things to it. Minus one important thing. There are NO credit cards in it. I'm never going to get out of this huge hole of debt that I'm in if I don't stop spending. One card has over $4000 on it. My goodness. But that's what feeds my obsession for Buffy merchandise. My cousin's even said that I should charge people to walk through my room- sort of like a museum. I think they were exaggerating just a tad. But anyhow, no credit cards means I can only buy what I can buy with the cash I have on hand.

And another thing, I'm going to start a modified diet today. And I will exercise when I get home from work. I'm going to eat the meals I have at work that I went to Safeway for. I have breakfast bars, and apples, and carrots to snack on. And I'm only drinking water. The only problem is that this all get blown to hell once I get home, because I have to eat whatever my mom happens to cook, which is always delicious, but not always the healthiest food in the world. I may just have to compromise, and either cook my own food, or just not eat dinner. What fun options.

Falls On Me__________

Monday, Jan. 24, 2005 - 6:27 am

My dad just made my Monday by giving me some news. I'm being very sarcastic, by the way. While the group (cousins, mom, brother, and Mon) were in SF, dad went to spend some time with his brother. Turns out they had another falling out. According to my dad, it's really over this time. He doesn't want to speak with my uncle Jose Luis anymore, and that the relationship is pretty much over. Translation: I won't be seeing the children any more.

It's seems that my little theory about things falling apart when one goes right, is 100% inaccurate. EVERYTHING falls apart... absolutely everything.

Backtracking to the events of yesterday, which the excitement for has really gone to hell, we saw Barry Bonds at Pier 39. Wait. Strike that. I saw Barry Bonds. I saw him, my jaw dropped, and I froze. I couldn't say anything to anyone. By the time I was able to speak, he had already passed us. But that was a treat.

Otherwise, we just walked around the Pier, took pictures, and whatnot. Wasn't too much fun. We were all tired. But it was better than staying home all day.

So right now, work sucks, home life is sucking, love life in non existent. Geez. What is there to look forward to anymore?

I'm 25 Now__________

Sunday, Jan. 23, 2005 - 6:14 am

I turned 25 yesterday at 10:31 pm. Honestly it felt like just another Saturday. I was just excited that my brother was coming home, and that he's bringing my cousins.

And amazingly enough, they're all here. It's a little akward right now. I'm not used to speaking Spanish, so it's something I'm going to have to get used to. But this is keeping my mind off of Jason and any other "problems" I may have, including work. My mom is off of work all next week, so she will serve to keep them entertained. Keeps that responsibility off my back. I've never been good at entertaining.

In celebration of my birthday, we're going to the city of my birth today- San Francisco. Monica is coming, so are my cousins and my brother, Andres as well. We're taking the ferry from Vallejo and going to Pier 39. My parents didn't want to go, which is ok, I guess. I wanted them to come. But oh well.

I'm in for some major life changes for a while. I have to get used to not being the "only child" now. My brother hasn't told my parents that he was laid off of work. Why? Fear, perhaps, of their reaction. I think they would be okay with it. It's not like he quit or got fired- they asked for his resignation. But because of this, he's heading back down to SD on Wednesday. I think he needs to be straight with them. He'll have to tell them sooner or later.

I had better start getting ready. Now that I have to share a bathroom with two other girls, things might get hectic in there. Ta!

What a Difference__________

Friday, Jan. 21, 2005 - 8:53 pm

What a difference only 10 days can make. I am a believer in the pessimism that lingers within me on a constant basis. If one thing is going right in your life, something else is bound to go wrong.

About a week ago, all was well in the "relationship" aspect of my life. And work was hell on Earth.

Now, work is going ok. And the "relationship" with Jason is seemingly over.

What a difference 10 days can make.

I last spoke with Jason on Thursday of last week. I called him during a break at work. All seemed well. He said he would call me over the weekend. Ten days later, I haven't heard from him. He didn't even go to his follow-up appointment with Dr. Weil.

Unrealistically, I'm thinking he's just really sick and hasn't been upto doing anything- even picking up for the phone to call. Realistically, I'm just thinking it wasn't worth the effort for him. I wasn't worth the effort. And I'm saddened. I just find myself analyzing what occured on the date... wondering what I did wrong... Did his friends give him a hard time because I wasn't thin? Did he just come back to reality and realize that... hey, she's not pretty?

I know I shouldn't dwell. But I am dwelling. He has another follow up appointment next Wednesday. And this may seem totally stalker-ish, but I'm going to go to the office around the time of his appointment, just to see him again. Smile, say hello. Act like nothing ever happened. I have to go to the other office anyhow.

So, Jason wasn't the one. I just have to accept that and live with the good memories I have of that one day.

Flight__________

Saturday, Jan. 15, 2005 - 7:39 am

I'm super-stressing at work again. I had problems with Lou's way of running things from the get-go. And I'll be the first to admit that I am stubborn, often finding myself scolding the boss. For a while (a very short while) things were going well. Things were being run smoothly, and everyone was getting along. But especially in these passed couple of days, it's been bad.

It's difficult to pinpoint one exact thing that he's doing. And it's not just him! With the Functional Restoration being run at the same time as there are P.T. patients, I feel like I am running around doing the job of three or four people. I will be doing one thing, be asked to do another, start that thing, and then be interrupted to do something else. I just feel as if nothing is getting done. I'm stressing. Stress = grumpiness. Grumpy Juanita is not of the good. SO not of the good.

Yesterday was just the culmination of everything, where I just broke down close to the end of the day and started crying to Monica. Literally crying. I just feel kind of helpless to do anything about it. Not like I can talk to the office manager about it. I tried that yesterday, and she cut me off before I was done telling her everything and left. So that went well.

And the fact that I can't start looking for another job yet is really ticking me off. Because of these "vacations" that are coming in the next couple of months, I can't really afford to leave this job. What new job is going to be willing to give me vacation time before I'm done with probation. So come the middle of March, the search will resume. Until then, all I can do is deal, and try really hard not to bring this feeling home with me.

My uncle's flight back to Mexico was last night. I was so exhausted, emotionally and physically, that I fell asleep at around 8pm last night. Because of that, I wasn't able to say goodbye to him, or go to the airport with my father to drop him off. I'm sure I will speak to him again. And the deal with the cousins coming... well, I won't believe it until they are physically here.