It's now 2005, and I'll be 25 years old this year. A quarter of a century old. I am so the old maid now. Not married, no kids. Bad Juanita.

I'm longing for a sense of normalcy in life again. I don't think that will ever happen again. I didn't bother with a resolution to bring in the new year. Why bother? Not like I'll keep it. The weight loss thing, yeah. Not gonna happen. At least not quickly, like I'd like. A gradual thing can happen. But we shall have to see how the will-power keeps up with me.

Last night, I was pathetic. I didn't even stay awake until midnight. I wasn't up to welcome in the new year. Even mom and dad stayed up. I feel old. And I want to go back to work. Makes the days go by quicker. These long weekends are so not to my liking. I swear to you, I'm a 45 year old trapped in a 24 year old body.

My brother is heading back down to San Diego tomorrow around noon. He has to go back to work. Or to the doctor or some shit. But he'll be back. He's been here for two weeks, just about. I'm kinda getting used to having him around, but not really. My uncle is staying though. So someone will be here to keep my mom company.

Until then, all I can do now is wait for Monday to come. It'll be nice and busy. We have a new EBFR group coming in. So I'll be nice and busy the entire day. Plus J will be there.

Speaking of which, I think I may have ruined any chances with him. How, you ask? Just by being me. Over-analyzing, over-thinking, forgetting that it's just supposed to fun. Damn me and my brain. I just promised myself, though, that if he ever does ask me out again, I'll say yes, and we'll set a date. Because I want to go out and have fun, damnit. I'm so freakin stupid!

Another Mommy__________

Tuesday, Dec. 28, 2004 - 8:26 am

A double meaning to the title- both about the same person. Lei is expecting! Yay! I get a feeling that it's a boy, but I was wrong with another co-worker, so knock on wood that I'm wrong again. They want to have a girl, since they already have their gorgeous little Titan. Congrats to the new mommy and daddy to be!

The other meaning would be the way Lei reacted to my possible first date with J. She gave me advise, good advise, about things I never would have thought to worry about for a first date.

Rule 1. Make it somewhere public.
Rule 2. Make it during the day.
Rule 3. Drive your own car and meet him there.

Things were a little akward between J and I yesterday when he came in. I'm at work now, Tuesday morning, nothing to do. But when he came in yesterday, I didn't want to see him. I didn't want to treat him. And when he called me last night, I didn't really want to talk to him. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Well, there are things that are weighing on my mind- for example, we have absolutely nothing in common. And I mean nothing. He's done time, he does drugs (albeit legally, but still), he's not much for family life... I just don't know. It would be unfair for me to want him to change. And I don't want him to. If he's happy, then let him be.

But at the same time, it's not something that could be long term. I just don't want to deprive myself of the possibility of going out and having fun. So long as it's on my terms, and I take the proper precautions. I just have to look out for myself, first and foremost, right?

Right.

The Flu__________

Monday, Dec. 27, 2004 - 1:29 am

I can't believe I am up at this ungodly hour. It has something to do with me having a terrible fever all day yesterday and sleeping the entire time. I have a vague memory of waking up every so often with my mom asking me if I was ok, telling me to drink juice, rubbing something on my feet, as lastly asking me to take some advil. That seemed to do the trick.

Even if I have the flu, like I suspect is the case, I can't miss work. Since Monica will be out all week, can't not be there. So if I contaminate everyone there, not my fault. I think I may have already gotten my brother sick. Whoops.

I got a phone call from J on Saturday night. It was kind of awkward at first, but the conversation ended up lasting over an hour. Longest I've ever talked on my cell phone. It was just odd talking to a guy on the phone. I've talked to guys on the phone before, don't get my wrong, but they were always just friends.

If there was any doubt in my mind that J likes me as more than a friend, it's now gone. He made that perfectly clear. I won't go into details, because I'm starting to hurt again, but to make a long story short, Lorelei knows what's going on. And that doesn't sit too well with me. Oh well.

Happy Christmas__________

Friday, Dec. 24, 2004 - 10:45 pm

Xmas has come and gone. Well, it's actually tomorrow, but for us, it's already passed. We celebrate on Christmas Eve. Supposed to last until passed midnight, but that's not going to happen. The kids were getting whiny because they wanted to open their presents. But that's about normal.

The festivities mostly revolved around Sara's family members, since half of ours are in Mexico this year. But it was nice. We chatted, we ate, we drank sparkling cider, we opened presents, and we took lots of pictures. It was great. My uncle Ernesto, however, wasn't feeling up to joining us. So my mom was a little anxious to come home so that he wouldn't be alone. Totally understandable.

I recieved some very nice gifts, and lots of thank you hugs from the kids. That made all the money I spent on that stuff worth it. Funny thing though- we did a gift exchange with the adults. And it turned out, by pure coincidence, that all of the people ended up choosing eachother. Sara picked my name, and I picked hers. Mom picked Veronica's name, and Veronica picked hers. Etc. Wierd.

Sara bought me another cardboard cut out (6 feet of cardboard) of Spike. I don't need another, but it was great to get it. I'm passing it on along to my cousin Alexica in Mexico (Ernesto's daughter) who is also in love with him. Such a smart girl, she is. LoL!

She was jealous of the tiny picture of James and I that I sent along with the xmas card. One of the perks of living in the US. And maybe soon, they all will come as well. God willing.

And everyone liked the presents I gave them. So yay! All went well. Here's to the new year. We'll see what's in store for that. No plans have been made, as far as I know. But I do know that my uncle, and cousin's will back by that time, so most likely we'll be spending it with them. Whoot!

Merry Xmas!

xoxo

Loss of Appetite__________

Friday, Dec. 24, 2004 - 5:56 am

It's before 6am on Christmas Eve. I don't have to go to work. Why am I up?

I flat out couldn't sleep last night. I actually went to bed at around 9:00 pm last night, which is ridiculously early. But I kept waking up, almost every hour, staring at the clock, wondering why I couldn't sleep. I know exactly why I couldn't sleep. It's the same reason that I only ate one meal yesterday, and it consisted of soup.

That patient, who I am dubbing "J" for future reference, gave me a Christmas present. A physical one, all bagged up and pretty, and an emotional uplifting that I haven't felt in a long time.

Yesterday, he came in for an evaluation with Lou. He gave me the gift, and I said thank you. It turned out to be some really cute bath stuff. Easiest gift to get when you really don't know someone all that well. Throughout the time he was with Lou, I couldn't talk to him, really. Not much time. I was busy and he was busy.

When I went back into the office, I decided to open the card up, just for kicks. And my jaw nearly dropped to the floor when I read what he had written. To set the stage here, the day before, I was joking with him, asking him not to talk about his marijuana plants for just 5 minutes the next time I saw him. And we joked about it for quite a while. Well, I open the card. It's a little smiling flower on the front that says "Hi, Sweetie!"

So far, so good.

I open it up, and it says: "Juanita, I'll try to be better, but everytime I'm around you I lose my mind! Merry Xmas, J"

So yeah, I showed Monica and she had a similar reaction to mine. She said that she had no idea that he was that serious about everything. Well, yeah. Neither did I.

When the eval was just about finished, I was walking through, getting ready to schedule the patient that Lei was working with. So I sat down at my usual work station and waited. Then J decided to ask Lou if there were any "positions" that were good for a back problem to have relations with a woman. I about choked on my water, and started to blush from across the room. Lou gets up and goes to his office to retrieve a booklet on the subject. I just look at J, and then look away.

Anyhow, it was embarassing. Lou made me photocopy the entire booklet. The booklet had pictures. Ick! And guess who Lou brings into the copy room to sit with me? Yeah. So while I'm copying his materials, he's just looking at me, trying to make conversation. I was mortified.

After I handed him the copies of his materials and exercises, I talked to him a little in the gym area, about the gift, and how he and his roommate spent a good deal of time trying to figure out how to work the tissue paper so I'd like it. That was sweet. So when Lou and Lei came into the gym area with us to say the he was done and ready to go, they left us alone again.

He was about ready to leave, but I asked him to wait a minute while they left. I then asked him if I could give him a hug. He came back into the room, and said "sure." Before the embrace, he kissed me on the cheek. Not a peck. A kiss. A straight kiss. I told him thank you, and that I would miss him when he was gone. He only has two more weeks of treatments.

The hug lasted a lot longer than I expected, and we both started to inexplicably mumble things to eachother. Among what was said to me was, "You can't see me until I'm not here, right?" and "I'm glad you like me, too."

When we finally let go, I told him thanks again, and he mentioned that we should go to a movie or something, and he told me to call him. I gave him my cell number, and told him to use that first. Before he left, he wanted another hug, and I obliged. Same thing, another kiss. And we said goodbye.

So yeah, I couldn't sleep, and I'm not hungry. Maybe this little feeling is what's going to help me lose weight. The butterflies, and the too much thinking about J. It's not right, but I don't care.